PLEASE HELP AND READ!!?I need to know what people will think...
Running. It always felt better to run. With the wind in your face, pushing your hair be hide you, making it look almost like, a flag on a poll swaying in the rushing winds, as a army charges into battle. And the steady thump, thump, thump of your feet hitting the silent night grounds. The grass in between your toes, as you push off the soil trying to gain just a little more speed. Cold night air wising through my jacket.
And I ran fast, still. Trying to escape all my worries, my fears, and my lies. I heard shouts be hide me, begging for me to slow down. But I don't want to. It just feels so good. I haven't been this happy and carefree in a long time. Adrenaline pumped strongly into my veins, burning out the alcohol that was before. My vision became sharper, but I still ran faster.
The forest loomed over me now. Moon light shone through the cracks of the leafs, above. More shouts for me to slow down, arrived almost silently through the trees be hide me. I weaved my way through the bushes and trees, not caring if my legs got scraped up because of the thorns. But then, just as suddenly as I ran into the forest, I was flying through it. I looked down confused.
The old mine shaft lay below. It was maybe fifty years old and had one, morning collapsed on itself. It had been one of my favorite places to explore, and I had come here at least once every weekend. I would look through the rubble and rocks hoping I would fine something cool. I had once found a peace of rock, that had, what looked like gold in it. I had rushed home that day to show my parents.
Went I got home I found my father sitting at the table. I rushed up to him, and proudly presented my rock. He didn't even glace at it. Instead he took my face in his hands. It wasn't the loving kind, the whole let-me-just-cup-your-beautiful-face-my-daughter way. It was the Let-me-grab-your-chin-and-force-you-to-look-at-me kind of way. And that's exactly what he did. Then he looked me in the eyes, with that familiar look of ice, and said: "You stupid little girl. Why in God's name would you find gold? You can't that's why. Your just a little retard, who wastes her fathers' time with nonsense." And then he got back to his work and ignored his crying daughter.
I had gone back to the mine that day, trying so hard to proved my father wrong. Instead, I got yelled at for coming home bloody and muddy. Those rocks at the mine where sharp and dangerous.
And the mine was right beneath me now. And was coming up fast. I was falling. Then I heard the crack. It was terrible. Loud and sharp, I felt it jolt through my body. It was the sound of breaking bones. I tried get up, off the sharp rocks with I had fallen on to, But to my horror, I found that I couldn't. I looked up at the bright night sky, as the pain came. Slowly at first, but then it spread through the rest of my body quickly. In some places burning, like my chest, and in other places, it felt like someone was taking and knife and stabbing it into my body, and then twisting it, once it was deep enough. I tried to scream, but no sound came out. I looked up at the full moon and watched as my vision darkened into a deep red, as blood ran into my eyes. And then everything went black.
I woke up a couple hours later. It was nearing morning and the sun was just raising. I got up and looked around. What had happened? God, my head hurts like hell. I thought. Last night seemed so fuzzy. There was a lot of running. From what? To where? And the forest. And the cliff. Wait. The cliff. That's right, didn't I fall off a cliff? That can't be right. I would be dead. Well I am at the mine right now so maybe it's possible…You know what? It didn't matter right now. If I did happen to fall off a cliff then maybe I should be lucky right now that I'm still alive.
I then, started to work my way out through the rubble and out of the mine. I walked a little bit out of the forest and soon I was in my neighborhood. Walking was painful. Every step I took seemed to open up long thin cuts that I had some-how gotten on my legs. I walked past the old and dirty houses that made up my neighborhood. Some of their windows where boarded up and had graffiti advertising gang names on it. Others were so empty and run-down that even the grass wasn't growing there.
Yes, it wasn't exactly the ideal neighborhood for and seventeen year old to be walking alone in the early hours of morning, but I had no worries. I had grown-up in this neighborhood, and had had my share of gang fights. I was never the one who started it, but was always caught in the middle, trying to defend a friend. I also, had a scar on my eyebrow from when a guy pulled out a knife to try and stab me. It was only about a inch and-a-half, but no hair from my eyebrow would ever grow on it, so it looked a lot worse. I had hated it. Everybody seemed to stare. It had even ruin my pretty face into some wild girl who had gang fights 24/7.
Posted by manoj
sorry its a very long passage.i don't have enough patience to read it.
Posted by Natasha Cherrise
It's not bad. The plot pulled me in within the first few minutes. You definitely have the talent. I really would like to read this in the future.
Can you help with mine-
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApQeCk._WY1kqTeHA3ajaV3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20110101013439AAF2PdK
Posted by 【ツ】Šмιℓє
Okay, the first sentence or two drew me in, so good job there. But after that...it's a little bit run-on and you character has no personality. You have to make you reader feel something for the character (empathy, sympathy, fear...) but right now I don't feel anything, she is very 2D. Try to describe more of how she's feeling and give her some background. I like the plot though, it's a good idea, very mysterious and suspenseful. Nice job.
As for the story, I agree with all the other answerers, there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. Try to read the entire piece out loud to yourself, that might help you find the areas that sound
awkward.
Anyway, here are the mistakes I noticed:
--It's 'behind' no 'be hide'
--"making it look almost like (no comma needed here) a flag on a *POLE swaying in the rushing winds"
--"Cold night air wising through my jacket." There are a couple of things wrong with this sentence, first: 'wising'? did you mean 'wishing' or 'whistling'? Also, for the entire paragraph you have been addressing the audience by using words like 'you' and 'your', but in this sentence you refer to the character, try to stay consistent.
--"More shouts for me to slow down (no comma needed) arrived almost silently through the trees be hide me."
--"It was maybe fifty years old and had one (no comma needed) morning collapsed on itself."
--"hoping to *FIND something cool"
--"I had once found a *PIECE of rock (no comma needed) that had, what looked like (you need a comma here) gold in it."
--"You can't (you need a comma here) that's why."
--"*YOU'RE just a little retard who wastes her father's time." <-- you put the apostrophe in the wrong place in the word 'father'.
--"trying so hard to *PROVE my father wrong."
--"I tried *TO get up"
--"I tried get up, off the sharp rocks with I had fallen on to, But to my horror, I found that I couldn't." You can't put a capitalized word in the middle of a sentence, either make it a lowercase 'b', or start a new sentence there.
--"cliff then maybe I should be lucky (I think you mean grateful instead of lucky) right now that I'm still alive."
So the capital words are spelling mistakes or forgotten words and I also tried to fix your comma splices. You really need to re-read this piece and edit edit edit!!!
Good luck, and have fun with the rest of your story.
Orignal From: Vision Care: PLEASE HELP AND READ!!?
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