What do you think of my story?This is the first two pages of it. It starts more into the story then goes back to the start.
I smelt smoke. Thick smoke. Like a heavy blanket over my face. It was hard to breathe. It was like my lungs had been compressed and no air was getting in. Like a vacuum.
I couldn't see either. A blindfold? Eternal blackness. Forever night. I was scared. I didn't even know this man yet he had kidnapped me and knocked me out. What did he want with me. Surely if he had wanted to kill me he would have done it by now. Unless he was waiting for something. Perhaps I was just bait. For something or someone bigger. Better. He was sinister and cunning. Yet fast and strong. Inhumanly strong. It was impossible. I didn't know how he did it. I didn't believe what he had told me. How could I? It was insane. He was insane to think that anyone could actually believe it. No average person would believe it. In fact I was starting to wander why someone hadn't previously noticed how strange he was and sent him to a mental hospital. Maybe he had murdered them for knowing and know that I knew, once he had used me for whatever purpose, he would kill me. Or maybe my purpose was to be killed. Maybe I was a sacrifice to the gods. Why me though? Why did he kidnap me? Why would he want me to be bait or a sacrifice or anything else? Had he thought that Jordan and I was a couple? I wasn't even sure if we were. I suppose it might seem like it. Him carrying me and all. He would have been better off choosing to kidnap Claire. She is his so called sister after all. They definitely had a relationship. Even if they didn't seem anything like each other. He was sweet and caring, she was weird and crazy.
I heard footsteps nearby. In another room. Why didn't he untie me? It wasn't as if I could escape. He hadn't exactly made that much effort in finding a cool way to contain me. I was tied to a chair how original. And a blind fold! How cliché. He could at least have made an effort to tie my wrists more gently. My wrists were raw and chaffed. I could feel drops of blood running down my hands. Drip. Drip. Drip. Every time a drop hit the floor and I heard the footsteps outside the door pause. Everything was silent for a moment. Then I heard him take another step and the rythmic beat started again. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. The rhythm was the only thing keeping me sane. That is if I was sane. For all I knew I could be hallucinating. I could really be in a room with white sponge walls, a tiny window and wearing a straight jacket. My eyes grew heavy. Starting to shut. I tried to resist but the pull was too strong. I heard a voice calling my name. I saw a light a bright red light. I couldn't be dead because the light was red and when you die the light is white. What was it? My vision started to blur and I wasn't really in the world. I was drifting happily between the two planes. Reality and the dream plain. I saw a tall silhouette of a woman; her hair was billowing out behind her like there was a strong wind. Her voice was like tiny bells chiming. It was a mesmerising sound. As she stepped forwards I saw her properly. She had long ruby coloured hair and deathly pale skin, her scarlet lips stood out beautifully with her matching crimson eyes. Despite most people thinking red eyes were evil, I felt as if I could trust her. As if I could tell her every secret I had and not worry about her telling someone. I had an itch inside of me, I knew her but I couldn't say where I knew her from. It was so frustrating. Like when you are trying to beat a game and you know that you are so close, but then you get stuck on one little section and don't know how to sort it out .She was calling my name. Beckoning for me to come closer. I took a step towards her.
Posted by CyEngin
You don't need an entire sentence for "Thick Smoke."
Posted by David
WTF.
Posted by Nayan
It's good but probably from somewhere else!!!!
Posted by Tulip
Your sentences are too choppy. It's good to vary sentence lengths, but some of yours aren't even complete. Sometimes it fits into the writing style well, but how you phrase it, it just sounds annoying. Try to make actual sentences, with a subject and predicate (action).
Posted by chloe :D
it's quite good. the only thing is, i know your trying to make it more intense by using very short sentences, but after a while it just reads like a list.
i was a bit confused too, but then i suppose that's exactly how she will be feeling :D
it was ok, i liked it.
:d
Orignal From: What do you think of my story?
Post a Comment