New long poem I wrote. Do you think it's worth sharing?It was a homework assignment I had for english (art based class). Well anyways I'm very self cautious about my work, so can you tell me if you think it's worth sharing? =]
Here it is:
A Glimpse
by me
One Week Ago
Time goes by like a never ending hour glass,
Each second ticks as slow as a falling grain of sand.
…They call me in.
The doctor draws my blood,
He tries to make small talk (in effort to get my mind elsewhere).
When they're done I head to my car…
Not a clever thing to do.
I made a turn for the freeway,
And started feeling light headed.
Darkness blinded my vision,
And as I tried to focus,
Two bright lights came my way…
All was dark once more.
Hours later
I woke up to an unfamiliar mourn.
I turned and saw my mother knelt down at my bedside,
Her face hidden by her arms…
Never in my life had I seen my mother cry,
She was too bold,
Too strong
To ever show such an emotion.
Especially in front of me.
Growing up we had a distant relationship,
She was too busy and I didn't understand,
Or even care anymore.
But as I lay there,
Seeing her that way,
I couldn't help but feel sympathy for her.
And for the first time,
I saw how much she truly loved me.
She's so fragile and innocent now…
I touch her arm,
But she doesn't react.
I tap on her arm,
But she doesn't react.
Then I say her name,
But nothing… no movement… no reaction.
I don't understand,
Then I realize I'm no longer with my body.
It's like I'm not one,
But two people now.
A few more days
Many people came to see me.
Seeing them with me
Made me realize how much they cared for me,
And loved me as well…
During those few days my respect for those people grew.
I saw them come in and out of my room every day.
But this day was different,
This day brought about fear—
My body gave out while sleeping.
My heart was weakening,
My body was tingling,
And I couldn't breathe.
And as this was happening to my body,
It was also happening to me.
I sank into my chair,
Gasping for air,
'Til the last breath came out
From both my body and me.
Sometime After
A beam of light blinded me,
A light too bright for human eyes.
It forced my eyes to shut.
I started opening my eyes
And let them adjust.
I realized I was in a whole new world,
A beautiful paradise…
I was…
In Heaven.
I heard angelic music,
And In front of me stood a glistening pearl-like gate.
Behind it was a city made of fine gold,
With rivers,
Mountains,
And trees.
Everything there was incredibly beautiful,
I felt a happiness that I could've never have felt down below.
When I looked around,
I noticed I was surrounded by luminously beautiful people.
They were people I knew!
Loved ones I lost throughout the years.
They were coming to greet me!
But as they were,
I was blinded,
And all turned black as darkness took over…
I felt something through my body,
I could hear faint voices in the distance.
Then I felt a surge of electricity bolt through me,
I heard the voices of the surgeons,
And beeping in the background.
I could see them,
Blurred figures standing over me…
Able to see clearly again—
I saw one man give me a thumbs-up…
My memory fainted…
Today
Now as I look back,
At the life I had before.
I'm ashamed of myself—
Letting my life go the way it did.
Those few days
That I could see how much I meant to my family,
Friends,
Co-workers.
It changed me…
Never again will I think I'm nobody,
And I have no one.
And the little time I had
To see Heaven,
The little time I had to see those I loved that'd passed on.
It changed me as well…
Now I can see,
There's more to my life.
More I can do,
And better I can be…
Now I see
I have a purpose,
And there's more to me than I see.
Posted by Sunny
yes, it is good
Posted by Kevin S
The first part of your poem is very good...you could have stopped after, "no movement...no reaction". However, the poem as a story is also nice, but it has less impact because it's more narrative. Poems often say more when they say less, and the more story you put into the poem the more prosaic it becomes...just something to consider. The first two lines are a little cliche (the sand in the bottle lines). Also, you say darkness blinded you, but you tried to "focus"...which doesn't really fit the image of darkness because you can't see anything...you might want to find another word besides "focus". Also, "morning" is abreviated "morn", not "mourn", I get the double entendre, but it looks more like a malapropism (I made the same mistake once with "pain" as in "window pain" to try and attempt the same thing...it doesn't work in print, so you might as well spell it correctly and let the ear make the reference for you. Also, "knelt"...it's a tricky usage...you can say you saw her "kneeling" or "had knelt"...see which one works better for you. I would also recommend dropping the first "but she doesn't react"...just put the two actions back to back, then say it...that way it's implied without sounding poetically redundant.
Should you share it? It's a lovely piece, it really is. Tune it up a little, tighten up the parts that follow so they show more than tell. Avoid cliche and the use of the word "heaven"...let the reader make up their own mind as to where you went. Keep the images flowing...let them tell the story. ...then share it all you'd like. It's a familiar story, so try to keep it fresh...use your ear and your heart when editing.
Orignal From: New long poem I wrote. Do you think it's worth sharing?
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