I can't deal with him because I'm so sad?I've been with my guy for two years. Everything was wonderful at first and then, I guess I changed? We had a daughter together, but even before that things started to go downhill very fast. Apparently, my man was really unhappy because I became "controlling" etc. Although I do not see my actions as controlling. What he's told me is that I shouldn't have to ask him where he's been, or call him (actually his mom said this too). I only asked when he was late, or I was worried and I NEVER called more than once a day. He also doesn't feel like he doesn't pay any attention to me and that I b*tch all the time. I'm sorry, but addressing someone as "hey sexy" everyday does NOT count as attention to me and he never tells me I'm beautiful -it's just "sexy" as a joke all the time. When he refers to my past "b*tchin" it's because I started to ask him to help me out around the house and pay bills after a while because I was tired of being the sole provider in the relationship. After a really uphill battle, he FINALLY started to help and so now, nothing should be wrong.
I suddenly have spiraled into a depression and manic episodes lately. I have been dealing with a lot of bad childhood memories, I may have post-pardum and I think I've been bi-polar for a long time without realizing it. I'm scared, because I feel like I'm pushing him away and if I try to talk to him about any of my issues or bad things his mom has said to me, he just shuts off. So I just get the feeling he doesn't care.
I've become this overbearing person that I never was before. I feel invisible or like I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming and no one turns to look. So the more I think about things, of course the sadder I get. I've tried to make doctor's appointments with no success so I can get on some meds.
I feel like my relationship is destroyed because if my "issues". It's ok for a while and I "control" all my "needs" I guess. Then I get really bad and I have no one to talk to. I don't think it's wrong for me to call him once a day to see if he's going ot get our daughter or ask him a question. I pay the dang phone bills anyway! I dont think it was wrong for me to assert myself to make him start helping out around the house. Only he and his mother see all of this as my "psycho" coming out. Any time I do anything now, I'm a "psycho" so why is he still with me? He always treats me like I'm the vision of his ex wife (the ex"psycho") and so now it's like I can't even be ME, or make a legit phone call, or ask him about his day.
I'm afraid that because I've been so sad about this, the lack of medical treatment, and some strong rememberances of my childhood -that any day now I could just "pop" or something. I feel like I'm going ot breakdown, but he gets mad if I ever cry. He thinks I cry to "play games" with him and I don't even understand that concept. His whole family is so emotionless most of the time. Even though I've explained to him some of my issues, it's like he gets it, but doesn't ever see why it bothers me.
I feel like if it's always going to be this way, and that he feels like I'm "playing games" and I'm "too emotional" etc. that the only reason he stays with me is because he has the bills paid by me and because of our daughter. Of course, he'd tell you "no I love her and I want this to work" but that's the only thing I ever hear.
"I'd like to break down, but I can't find the time-
You're all looking to me to keep it in line
Hope I can keep it in line..."CCR
Posted by troble # one?
TOOOOOOOOOOOOO long
Posted by Mrs. Heather Schabby Teddy Bear!
Isn't it irritating when people respond to your question only to tell you it's too long? It's depressing -- of course your question is long, you need serious help and want everyone to have the whole story!
First off, how old is your daughter? It is possible that you're suffering from postpartum depression. The best thing to do in this instance is to see a doctor. Do you have insurance? If you go to see your PCP (Primary Care Physican) or your Ob-Gyn they should be able to help you with your emotions.
Another possibility is that you may be suffering from a chemical imbalance that has nothing to do with your pregnancy. Also it is possible that you are way too stressed out and anxious and because of this you are suffering from symptoms of depression. I'm not a doctor, and I don't claim to be. There are way too many possibilities for what you could be going through, and the best thing you could possibly do for yourself would be to see your doctor and explain how you're feeling. He or she can refer you to the best person to help you through your emotions.
As far as for what his mother says to you about what is and isn't appropriate for the two of you to do doing in your marriage, I would kindly tell her that you appreciate her advice, but that you'd like to keep your marriage just between you and your husband. Instruct him to do the same. Getting your parents/inaws involved in your problems is NEVER a good idea, it can really only lead to trouble. I say find someone else to talk to if absolutely necessary -- your parents and inlaws have no business being involved in the issues or decisions in your marriage.
I think the best thing to do for now until you start seeking help would be to start walking away from your husband when he starts to tell you he thinks you're playing mind games, or that you're too emotional. When you're hurting and feeling sad, it's like rubbing salt in the wound for someone else to tell you that your feelings are inappropriate, don't matter, or wrong. Next time he starts down that road, simply stand up and walk into another room. You don't have to listen to him belittle your emotions.
In regards to the bills -- he needs to get a job, period. You aren't working just to support both of you. I don't care what anyone says, unless he is unable to work due to disability, he needs to find a job -- ANY job. Even if he's flipping burgers or greeting people at Wal-Mart, at least it's income and he's able to contribute to the bills. I do think you need to let go of the "I pay for this" mentality, though. When you're married, all the money should be in one pot for the two of you -- no my money his money -- only OUR money. Make him pull his weight and do his fair share of the working and providing money for your JOINT account, though.
Seriously, please go to see your doctor as soon as possible -- with or without your husband's support.
Good luck.
Posted by pictureshygirl
You need to leave this relationship for your own sanity. You may have some emotional issues but being with someone like your boyfriend is affecting your emotional stability more than you know! He does not sound like a good loving man and he does not offer any understanding or support for you. In fact, I get the feeling his goal is only to use you. He plays mind games with you to make you feel it is you that is psycho. Trust me, he is playing head games with you to control you. He is turning all the blame on you to keep your self esteem at a low. This must be driving you crazy! Do not pay any attention to him or his mother as he is the product of how she thinks, no wonder! Hun, anyone in a relationship such as the one you are in are bound to sooner or later feel deep frustration and anger. For one thing, you are carrying too much responsibility with a man who does not help you but only controls you with criticisms. It is so obvious he is using you. Please get out and then get into therapy. This relationship has taken a toll on your nerves. Good luck to you!
Posted by Empathy
For those who say this is too long, it's because "I feel invisible or like I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming and no one turns to look." in a very "emotionless family." So... please excuse a few extra paragraphs, this lady seems to be in crisis.
To the author... I can see how difficult a situation you are in, and how overwhelmed you feel. Let me say that I think you need to seek some private or couples therapy. If you can't afford it, check free resources, like the state mental health system or a university counseling center; many times they see community clients for free... I know 'cause I see clients now at one.
Anyway, it looks like you are a very deep and emotionally aware individual, living in an emotional desert. Your man (is he your husband?) is not capable of, or is not interested in, having a deep emotional connection with you. He's not accidentally calling you "sexy," he's purposefully keeping you at a distance: it's just enough to sound patronizingly complementary when it's really rather cold and flighty.
I think the majority your symptoms, while some may be related to being bi-polar or post partum, are kind of understandable. You're with a man that shows not genuine love, affection, care, or nurtureing toward you. He reacts to your tears in a very cruel and disinterested way, calling them games... That, in essence, not only makes you feel bad about yourself, it makes you unable to express your emotions to the person who should be closest to you. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, and you are not "too emotional," you are being emotionally starved, surrounded by people who seem to be there for their own material needs and capable of giving nothing of substance in a relationship. No wonder his mother backs up these ways of relating; he learned them from her.
You really need to work on your own self-confidence. You are worth getting your emotional and physical needs met. You work hard for other people, for your dauther, for your rent, for your guy. He is very happy to profit from these things but he's doing the minimum he can to get by and not be thrown out. This is a very unfair and one-sided situation, but while he is wrong to do this, YOU are responsible for accepting it and feeling like you're not better than that. Well, you are better than that, and you are not:
NOT wrong to want a husband you can cry around, talk closely to, confide in, etc.
NOT wrong to call him once a day without getting sh*t
NOT "too emotional", the environment around you is emotionally destitute
NOT "playing games", they are your actual valid and (find someone who finds them) valuable feelings
NOT responsible to raise this man like another child, provide for him, indulge him, be a slave to his immature ego
Things you are... You
ARE responsible to make sure it's not always going to be this way (and provide your dauther with a well-rounded and emotionally expresive father-fiture as soon as possible)
ARE responsible to YOURSELF: that means, to increasing your confidence, support structure, and maturity in order to not think of yourself as this being the best you can do (or what you deserve), in order to develop some standards and stick to achieving those, and in order to work through your childhood issues that are still haunting you. For these I would say go to therapy!!
ARE responsible to make YOUR life as happy and rich as possible. So, go to therapy, learn some skills, respect yourself, get out of this toxic relationship where you're suffocating, be alone a while and get comofortable with yourself and who you are, and only THEN find someone else who can connect with you on a deeper level, is responsible, respectful, and doesn't want kids until after you marry. Make sure your dauther gets to grow up in a stable, loving, and emotionally comfortable family. Good luck.
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